“I’ve spent some time at CNN… with Keith Olbermann and Chris Matthews, Fox News, I’ve spent some time being a fly on the wall at those shows… What the hope is, is that I can bring the same kind of idealism and romanticism that made government seem sexy on The West Wing, and I can bring it to the news and journalism, which in America is held in at least as much contempt as government.”—
I hesitate to even post this. It’s my latest corporate blog post. But I’m not only a blogger and a software tester, I’m also the Google Analytics data analyst for my company. And I know how few of you visited when I posted the last one.
I’m looking for an excuse to not drive two hours each way to Oklahoma City for a board meeting tomorrow. It’s an organization I really care about, but my impact at the meeting feels small compared to what I could be doing with that time. Namely catching up on paperwork I need to complete for said organization to get ready for a conference we’re putting on in less than 3 weeks. And spending time with my family.
But I’m guessing not wanting to wake up before dawn has something to do with it as well.
I care about stuff, but not as much as other people do. Compared with people who literally spend every waking moment in service to someone else, I feel lazy.
I was just not built that way. I wish I were. I wish I were driven to want to do good things without dreading the tradeoffs I have to make. Maybe they dread it too. Maybe they’re nicer than me and can push through the dread. Maybe I love my family more than they love theirs.
Maybe I should stop comparing myself with other people. And letting them define how I feel about myself.
I'm getting increasingly irritated about my experience with Em's daycare yesterday
Winter Gala - Advertised from 4 to 6pm, which was supposed to consist of the songs that Emerson was supposed to be working on for “homework”, including Jingle Bell Rock and Frosty the Snowman.
2 days prior to event, I asked the center assistant director what the deal was with the Winter Gala, since I usually am not able to get there until 5 and was wondering whether I should leave early. She said that it starts at 4 and will probably be over by 4:45.
So I arranged to skip lunch and leave work an hour early. I arrived at 4.
Nothing unusual was going on there, except for some cookies set out. I went back to Em’s room, and the teacher said “the program don’t start back here til 5:30”. So I got really irritated and almost took Em home, but I thought to ask her if she wanted to stay for the music or go home. We stayed.
So we went into the next room where there is a little nook of books and toys. Em’s teacher was yelling so loud at the kids that my eardrums are still hurting from it, and I was a whole room away.
<break to email Rod about speeding up the process of finding alternative care for her>
We read and played until 5:30 and we went over to the classroom where they were setting up for the program. Emerson immediately digs her head into my chest and clings to me while I find a seat. I encouraged her several times to go up there with the other kids, and I looked to her teacher for some help in encouraging her to go up there and take her place for singing.
"Oh, she won’t ever do it. She just stands there and smiles." The teacher said, curtly.
So Em and I sat there politely while we watched:
other people’s kids jumping up and down wildly and violently shaking wrist jingle bells
the teacher loudly berating the kids for shaking the jingle bells at the wrong time
them singing Jingle Bells instead of the Jingle Bell Rock we were told to practice at home
The show ended with the teacher screaming “sit down” to the kids, followed by a “that’s all” to the parents.
Hello? How are you? Did I imagine it or did you post something about facebook the other day? I was looking back through as I made a mental note to mention it to you but can't see anything in your posts.
Yeah, I deleted it. Nobody had “liked” or commented on any of my posts for about 24 hours after I switched to the new Facebook profile. So I thought there was a chance there was technical difficulty. Turns out people just didn’t like or have anything to say about what I had to say. I deleted the post when people started liking me again. I need constant validation, apparently. Thanks for checking.
“You won’t find “stop bothering me, this tragedy isn’t my fault” in the chapter headings of any books on leadership. Palin could’ve taken this opportunity to look very big, and instead she now looks very small. And that’s not the fault of her detractors or her map. It’s her fault, and her fault alone.”—Erza Klein - Sarah Palin’s missed opportunity
I wish my daughter would poop. It’s been Christmas Day since I have personally witnessed her pooping. She says she has pooped at daycare, though the teacher I spoke with was not able to confirm. She’s acts a little irritated sometimes, and I’m trying not to play out the worst case scenario in my head…a blockage that explodes and leads to sepsis. It’s like one of those things I envision looking back on and thinking “Why was I worried about that? What a cute newby parent!” I guess we’ll wait until she’s miserable and we take her in or get doctor recommendation to proceed with something more, um, extreme.
We got a fancy new scale that gives fat % in addition to weight and BMI. I’ve been happy with my weight loss progress, 16 pounds since November 2009. Turns out I’ve probably just been eating away at my own muscle. I’m almost in the normal range when it comes to BMI, but “Obese” when it comes to the body fat percentage (fat % over 35%). So I guess more protein and strength training….I don’t want to have to work at anything - I want to just make gentle amendments to my diet and stick with the easy 30 minute elliptical exercise routine. But I can do it…I guess. <dramatic sigh>
Event last night went great, despite some backstage angry words and the re-resignation of a board member during setup. Yes, re-resignation, I chose not to accept his first one. Pro move I got from The West Wing.
Back to my other to-do list. There’s a lot of stuff on my list I just don’t *feel* like doing. Like dealing with my dad’s estate bank accounts, now that that’s all been over for like a year it’s kind of sad that I’m dragging my feet on closing everything down. I also need to find somebody to digitize my dad’s reel-to-reel recordings. There is a person who does it “locally”, I say “locally” because it is likely an hour’s drive out to the middle of nowhere. Hey, I *bet* my brother could get somebody to do it in Oklahoma City if there is someone there who can do it. This brain dump thing is fantastic.
The other stuff is just stuff I haven’t had time for….well that’s not true, I just..you know I have no idea. I’m actually going to try to get some work done today - lots of interruptions the past several days. Also need to write a corporate blog post about data visualization. For years I’ve been like “I would be an awesome corporate blogger” and now that it’s something I have committed to do, all of my creativity and humor is gone gone gone. I’ll just link to I Love Charts and be done with it.
Church event thingy is tonight. Ready to have it over with. As Tony Haywood from BP said, “I’d like my life back”.
Looking like the trip to see Grandma Mary (my mom) in Kansas might be in jeopardy due to possible bad weather. Considering putting it off if the forecast doesn’t improve soon.
Can’t believe it has been nearly a year since San Francisco. Had a talk this morning about travel plans that turned out to be stressful….There has been a bit of family strife about some travel decisions we’ve made since Em was born - and not the typical crap that we can choose to ignore and still be good people and good parents. In short, it seems easier to me to just not travel than to either manage logistics or to manage understandably hurt feelings. Vacations are not supposed to be stressful. Or maybe they are. I don’t know. Are vacations supposed to be relaxation for all or a gift we give to our children?
I saw a TED Talk this morning about the importance of being vulnerable in building connections. It has me pretty uneasy right now. I have worked damn hard to close myself off to feeling things, especially talking about them, so that I can function as a member of society. I am comfortably numb. If you talk about things, they become more real. It is incredibly rare that I feel better after talking about anything feeling-related. I usually regret revealing myself as a crazy person. I usually say stuff that’s unproductive and hurtful if I speak without thinking.
There are things I don’t like doing. But if someone asks me to do something, I feel like I’m letting them down if I say no. Goes back to the asker vs. guesser thing. So rather than say no, I pull away from them, hope that it just kind of resolves itself.
Involved with a big event tomorrow night at church. The committee I chair is in charge of it. I have to talk into a microphone. Event is sold out with a waiting list. Every decision, every moment with this committee is ridiculously difficult. Explosive, abrasive personalities are not enjoyable.